Day #3 and #4

Dana truly is a little superstar. I think she has figured out that something in her life is missing. She has been a bit clingy. But otherwise, she's doing great. Me, on the other hand, well, not so much.

Yesterday I didn't write because David and Molly were here and then we went and celebrated Mommy Ruth's b-day. We put Dana down for an early nap and then she did GREAT at the party and after. Perhaps we'll try that early nap thing again soon. But last night when I was getting ready for bed, I noticed that my boobs were slightly more round than usual and I just lost it. I cried for a good hour. And of course it was freakin late so that made it worse. I really feel like I've lost my baby. Even with the little girl right next to our room making cute noises over the monitor, I couldn't get over the fact that my baby is gone. I know logically that she is here, healthy and happy as can be. But irrationally or not, I'm grieving and it sucks.

Today David and Molly were here and she was really clingy with me. David's parents came over and the same thing. It is just taking longer for her to warm up. But that's ok. She's at that age and she's suffering a loss too. Tonight I took a bath with her which I had stopped doing to hopefully give her some mommy and me time. She did better in the bath and brushing her teeth even went pretty well. I read to her as she leaned up against my chest in the rocking chair and I loved it. David put her to bed and it was the first night in several that she didn't whine or cry. We'll see how well I'm going to do.

Mom just doesn't get why I can't talk to her. She turns everything into being about her. I need everything to be about me. Fortunately David totally gets it. Thank goodness or I'd have to slap him around a bit. I've been distant from my friends who don't get it either. Or the friends who think that parenting is so great and life is so good. What a bunch of liars. Sometimes it's just hard. Right now, it's just hard.