Tired of summer

I'm looking forward to putting on a sweatshirt. Not worrying about sunscreening the baby or turning on the a/c or having her in the car too long. Frankly, I'm ready for change. I think that's the overall tone in my life at the moment. I envy those who are moving to new places, trying new things, starting new jobs. What am I doing? The same thing everyday. The routine never deviates unless I get a babysitter. This stay-at-home mom thing is so hard. I never had any clue. Nobody told me. The same people who failed to tell me how hard breastfeeding was failed to tell me that staying at home with my kid would drive me crazy. And she's such an easy kid too! I really have to stop beating myself up about that. It's just hard and it has to be ok.

It totally makes sense that I'm afraid of losing my baby. I never put together that I thought I might lose her when she had RSV. Life is so fragile...especially at 2 weeks old. I guess I just thought that she was in good hands and she would be fine. I never realized what was going on. And then I wanted to be strong and not be like my mother. And what have I done? Become my mother. How miserable! I need to remember that it's ok to want to protect my child but I just need to keep things in perspective. I need to let myself feel...and not make it about my mother. She wants it to be about her and it always is. How lame!

I'm trying to find a psychiatrist who is on our insurance. I just can't see going out of pocket for all of this therapy. I'm sure there are some good people who won't charge me $185/hour. I think that will add to my stress. Lord knows Dr. Levine is. Again, what an arrogant ass. Why can't he just talk to me over the phone? Probably because he's been sued. Whatever, I can get migraine help from someone else. That is just ridiculous. Time to start taking advantage of David's insurance.

Leija came over to watch Dana today. I'm so glad that Dana can be left and it's all ok. She is such a good kid. She is so sweet until she gets testy. She has started to pinch. And I need to cut her nails. It's so not fun. I really want to take her camping. Seeing pictures of all of my friends and their kids camping is making me jealous. Camping with Amanda and her family would be fun too. Someday.

Ok, enough random chatter. Time to veg. Seems like I need that more than anything these days.